As they say, love is blind. And when you are a 23 year old, materialistic, female yuppie with low self-esteem and moral dilemmas, love can be very, very blind. Or at least provide the same view as beer goggles. So guys, I have quite a predicament again, thus another email. You see there is this guy who is fixing (it is a verb - deal with it) to move here to Memphis and go to UT med school. And he has a future and is really too good looking to date me but for some reason he wants to and I am looking forward to, at the very least, going out with him a couple of times. That is until I become a typical 23 year old idiot and dump him for a cute loser with no job, no bank account, and has the free clinic on speed dial. But then I got to thinking and I realize that he is going to be a bit too much. You see I am currently dating five people.
Now, now. Before you say, TCH, you have out-slutted yourself this time. I want you to know that I am openly Not Exclusive with any of these young men and they know that. And I am legitimately dating all of them since I have been on dates with all of them. And for some reason they keep calling me back. ALL of them. I pretty proud of being a pimp but this has gotten to be too much. I have hit my record of juggling guys. And since I am shallow and constantly seek out the approval of others for self-esteem I would like some help on which guys I should keep seeing and which ones I should throw out quicker than a bag of stale skittles.
NOTE: I know some of you are thinking, "Man how is TCH dating five guys? She isn't even hot?" And my response to that is a nice "Blow me, fairy godmother" at least I don't look like this epitome of White Trash America and that I have figured out how to get dates with people, or so I think. You need one of these two methods: 1. Bring Sexy Back, and look like Scarlett Johanessan or Brad Pitt or 2. If you are just bringing Moderately Attractive back and don't look like the Crypt Keeper of the aforementioned lady, you just have to go out all the time and be really friendly and charming. I'm so serious. I go out like five nights a week and meet tons of people, some of them aren't even turned off by my stories of puking in front of President Obama (SEE: Worst Hangover Ever Story). So if you want a date get off your ass and DO something. Go to bars and drink, go to church and praise some Jesus, join the mafia and kill people, you can even go to Somalia and deworm orphans with Tim Tebow (or whatever the hell he is always going on about). You aren't gonna meet anyone at home. And most importantly, be really friendly and smile and talk to people. Four out of the five guys I met because I said something first and I acted happier than 12 year old at a Jonas Brothers concert. And you need to be brave and speak, no one is attractive to the creepers who quietly sit in the corner. No one will talk to you and if they do it would help if you said something positive and weren't as boring as a Conference USA football game. I don't know anything about men or anything like that. But I do know that is how I ended up dating five guys at once and working on a sixth. Oh, and being easy helps too.
So here are the contenders for my affection. I didn't use their last names to protect the innocent, but I do know their last names. Email me with your thoughts on which ones I should keep around. I will be keeping a folder with the score in it. (you know I really will). Feel free to email your responses to Reply to All in your response, I am sure everyone else I email would love to hear your opinion.
* 1. MARK (aka The Mark, Ex-Boyfriend)
Age: 28 Height: 6'4 College: Ole Miss and Oregon for MBA Career: Advertising Exec. $$$$
How We Met: Through a friend at a party one year ago. We then proceeded to date for ten awesome months until he cheated on me and showing his inner asshole.
The Situation: Ex-boyfriends are like the gift that keeps on giving. I can't get rid of him and he wants to go back out. Previous feelings of adoration rear their ugly heads whenever I am in his presence. Love is a bitch. I don't want to stay with him b/c he was unfaithful and that is a dealbreaker. He has no idea that I am dating other people either but I don't see him that much.
Biggest PRO: Wonderful guy except for infidelity. Good job, great salary. Acts just like TCH which is probably why he cheated.
Biggest CON: Man whore ways still not out of system.
* 2. MATT (aka Environmentalist, Green Guy, Chef)
Age: 26 Height: 6'2 College: Culinary School Career: A FORMERLY employed chef at a vegan restaurant.
How We Met: At the Zoo Brew a few months ago. He was sitting by himself and my pimp friend Shelton told me to go talk to him. So I took my tipsy tail over to him and asked "Would you like to join this table of girls for a drink?" He laughed and came over and I knew I had him when he got me a drink a the bar later in the night. And even if I didn't, I still had some free drinks out of the deal.
The Situation: Went out a few times and he quit calling me. Turns out his phone got cut off because he doesn't have a job and can't pay for anything. But it is back on now and we do stuff.
Biggest PRO: He is nice and a gentleman. Big environmentalist and rides a bike. Kind of a hippie, but has a buzz cut.
Biggest CON: No car, rarely has a phone or a job. Did I mention he has an Ex-wife? hmmmm
* 3. Zack (aka Minglewood)
Age: 23 Height: 6'4 College: Christian Brothers University Career: Books bands and handles the sound for certain venues
How We Met: Well, one night at this small band venue called Minglewood I got absolutely obliterated and noticed all the hot guys were near the stage so I went up there and jumped around and met him. See what being friendly can do? Six hours later he was in the pool at my house.
The Situation: I think we go out the most. Been seeing each other for a few weeks
Biggest PRO: He is fun. He is a huge Vols fan. Just my type looks-wise
Biggest CON: He is 23. He once told me he love Bill Clinton (yay!) but hated Hillary () So I naturally asked him why and he gave me the same answer people always give, "I just don't like her. She is a bitch." Thus, he received my prepared speech on why Hillary is awesome. But he sat through it at least.
4. MARK (aka MARK 32)
Age: 28 Height: Only 6'0 College: Rhodes College Career: Accountant for family jewelry business
How We Met: Started talking about basketball in a sports bar.
The Situation: He calls me all the time. We go out a lot. I met him the night after I met Zack.
Biggest PRO: Good job. Good family. Always seeks my attention. Seems like a nice guy
Biggest CON: I've seriously had business with five Mark's in my dating pool, I don't need another. He has a personality that is about as exciting as watching CSPAN. He is kind of weird, but I think it is just because he is an accountant.
5. Chris (aka Alabama, country guy, UPS guy)
Age: 25, I think Height: 6'2 College: Alabama, ugh, I know Career: UPS business of some sort
How We Met: He is friends with my ex-boyfriend. (haha, shows him) and we had one wild night in midtown that let to a date.
The Situation: We have been out on a date just once. We usually just meet up for happy hours and such. I don't think he wants a girlfriend, which isn't bad to me.
Biggest PRO: Seems to have a nice job. Hottie. Always pays and is fun.
Biggest CON: Loves to call or text me at around midnight to meet up during school nights. Too country for me. He is kind of a jackass to people. And he is really stupid. Did I mention he went to BAMA?
* C'mon guys, you know what that means.
So please help me with this problem. I'm looking at only keeping one or two of them around. I can't decide. I suggest you rank them. That might be easiest. I will email everyone with who I decide later. And I am going to Michigan in a few days to think it over. Thank you for your help.
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I am totally jealous btw...but thinking of juggling 5 women makes me tired, and feel broke.
ReplyDeleteI love the Conference USA reference btw..
And it probably helps to be easy...but I mean...do you broadcast that across your forehead? I know you don't have a tramp stamp...so I am not sure how people see you from across the bar and be like "oh...that chick looks easy"
Ok, so my order...
1. UT Med school guy sounds promising. Keep him around. Give him a chance. He is going to be a doctor...and he is moving to Memphis for MED SCHOOL! $$$$$$$$$$ Plus, he goes to UT...instant awesome
2. Zack. This is really simple...he is a VOLS fan. He hasn't cheated on you, so clearly he is better than number 3 below. So he hates hillary...he can be re-educated. He also has a job.
3. Mark...the Ex. I only put him this high because I that no matter what we say he will stick around. Thats the way Ex's work...you dated him...you really liked him. Then he went TCH on you and cheated. He beat you to the punch line. But you seriously probably need to get away from him, because cheating is kinda a shitty thing to do.
4. Mark 32. How boring is boring? I mean if he is just more boring than jake, you, maddie, caitlin, etc...than no big deal. I hope that everyone in the world is not that exciting. (note that by exciting I mean slut) Give him a chance.
5. Mark Environmentalist. TCH...how do you date a guy that rides a bicycle? Do you ride on the handlebars? Seriously...No job...no car...gotta go.
6. Chris. Bama fan...Nuff said.
I have a small story. I went to my cousin's wedding in Memphis a couple weeks ago. While there I met my cousin's (6 months younger than me) girlfriend. She is a really pretty (make that hot) jewish girl. Second thing I asked her..."So what do you do?" Her answer, "I am a student at the University of Flordia."
My reply, "I hope a hurricane wipes that school off the map."
An awkward silence followed.
I feel bad about it now. But I meant it, so I guess I was just speaking my mind right?
I think you should cut a few of these guys loose. Don't be greedy, friend! I don't even have one guy! :)
ReplyDeleteDef. ditch the cheater. Once a cheater always a cheater. Next in line should be the hippie. I just don't like them. Someone should tell them hemp does NOT go with everything. I'm not even sure why you gave a Bama fan the time of day to start with. Pfffffft. That's a no-brainer. Bama goes byebye. What if you got married? You'd have to divorce every third Saturday in October. Tragic.
Please give serious consideration to passing any huggybear-worthy guy you meet soon my way. You can't possibly juggle another one in your mix. Feel free to come to Knoxville and play match maker for me, too. :) Just 38 more days stand between us and football time in Tennessee. You and Lacy need a road trip!
I am proud of you. I barely juggle 3 guys, let alone 5, but this only happens when I am in a committed relationship because when I'm single, I can't find anyone that I even want to waste time with. When I'm taken, there are more than I can handle... But I don't get to date them like you do because of the boyfriend issue.
ReplyDeleteMy order:
1. Mr. Med School - sometime you will play second fiddle to his busy schedule though... Which since you are TCH could end up being a good thing...
2. New Guy - new is always better
3. Zack - he's a Vols fan and he works in the music industry... May want him as a friend and not a fuck
4. Matt - no car no phone no problem except that means he probably smells like garlic all of the time because he's a hippie.... Does be look like Niles? If so... Go for it. He's now #1 if so.
5. Mark - he sounds like a giant tool although money can buy happiness when infidelity provides unhappiness...
Okay. So here is my advice, pimp-to-pimp: Drop four of these guys because they sound terrible.
ReplyDeleteFirst, chasing those that have cheated on you is emotionally destructive. Just don't do it anymore.
Second... Vegen Cook. Really. That's the pussiest shit I've ever heard. Real men cook meat. And have jobs and telephones and cars.
Thrid, no dumb guys. I know you. Smart conversation is what you live and die by.
Four, anyone that makes the list that is described BY YOU as boring is already cut.
That leaves Zack the Med School guy. You can probably convince him that Hillary is not a bitch. It's really not that hard of a sale because she's like the most bad ass woman alive. He loves UT and apparently looks like a guy you would date. Go get it!
BTW - This is way easier than I thought it would be.
You can suck my dick for that Conference USA jab. So it was true, and consequently funny, but i still have to insist you suck it because of this blue blood i have.
ReplyDeleteI've met of few of these fine fellows and have heard many stories about the ones i haven't. Here's what i have to offer:
Hopefully everyone tells you to keep mr. med school. the reasons are obvious. he's doing something with his life. he likes you. he sounds respectable. if he's funny and you don't want him, put me in line. kthnks.
Mark number 32 needs to go. You should, but may not, remember that i was there on the night you met. I excused myself to the restroom. When I came back Tiff and Marky Mark are bff'ing about something random. He offers to buy her a beer, looks at me and my margarita and says "I'd buy your friend a drink too, but hers is too expensive." Nice. Also, being an accountant or anything else for that matter does not excuse that personality. Slamming my eye down on a vertical pencil would bring me more happiness that having a conversation with that kid.
I met Chris on a morning after. After being locked out of the house, I proceeded to knock on Tiff's window, dressed to kill in my red gym shorts with remnants of last night's makeup running down my face. Crack in the blinds. Tiff's face. And the backside of a man with tats on his arm. Killer Tiffany. I can't wait to meet your friend. He was nice. After all, Tiff, he paid for a cab back to your house after your drunk ass wanted to be left at the bar with him. But... i don't know if it make up for the Alabama thing. That's a personal decision.
Ex boyfriend Mark I have not had the pleasure of meeting. You've told me stories, and aside from that whole infidelity thing, he sounds amazing. I mean... a surprise vaca???? come on. Don't invest your happiness in him, but enjoy his doting.
Matt needs a car. or a job. preferably both. He can join the peace corps.
Minglewood sounds interesting and I'd love to meet him. I like that he's in the music business and that he sat through your Hillary spill and stuck around. He just needs to be educated.
So... in order of preference for your personal dating experience.. Med School. Minglewood. Ex Mark. Matt. NonPersonality Mark 32. SOOOO many m's. Please stop sleeping with men named Mark...
Alright TCH im going to give you the sunny side of things- and now I definitely have the excuse to because I live in florida- I've heard from this email and you personally considering these guys and here is what I think: first and foremost props to you- dating five guys is a true feat, and someday when you are old and saggy you'll look back and be like dang- i did that, its all good :)
ReplyDelete1.)Med school guy- its unanimous. Its a good idea.He sounds smart and ambitious and Here's the other little DL which is probably going to get some negative gold-digger like comments from both jake and Daniel, but Ive seen this happen all the time, and now im passing on the knowledge to you, regardless- a doctor at this point in his career is a good idea- the key to marrying a doctor is being the 1st wife, and i do say 1st because he will probably leave you for a hot twenty something nurse when your alls kids are teenagers, its a fact that pretty much all doctors wives accept, in which case you can then end up dating a cute pool boy which you can afford to have, because you have alimony and now child support- you met and married him while he was still in school/residency, therefore one day you can prove to the courts that you supported him thus thwarting your own career to support his thus... creating a good situation for yourself. Not to mention the networking- even if you end up not liking the guy, he will have other friends in med school, and you might like one of them. I give him 2 thumbs up.
2) Zack- he sounds like fun. He likes the Vols which is one your deep rooted beliefs, and he does like Bill Clinton, he just doesn't like Hildog- and thats ok :). hehe no but seriously, there are always differences in relationships and who knows, maybe after dating you he will find more appreciation for strong assertive women and thus become a hilary fan.
3.) Mark the accountant- boring isn't always bad. maybe he just hasn't fully shown you his personality yet because hes waiting til he gets to know you better. plus its a free dinner and a new friend.
Not even ranked bc they dont deserve ranking- Matt the loser (what is it with that name!, who pretty dumped you, and probably only did so bc he is a mess- and not in a hot way)
Mark the ex - there was a book that came out about 3 years ago called, "It's a breakup because its broken. Stop wasting your time with dead end relationships." enough said.
A. Conference USA, what a joke. How did they get to put USA in their name? Disgraceful.
ReplyDeleteB. If the only CONS listed for a guy is "His Name is Mark" thats not bad at all.
Order:
1. Mark <=> Med School (even tho I think med school kids are stuck up jerk offs and think they are some hot shit even tho they be poor for the next 10 years and really all they do is guess for a career -- yes my sister is a doctor..)
2. screw the rest.
Alright TCH,
ReplyDeleteYou've really only got 2 semi-winners here. I agree with everyone else: the future Doctor seems like the best idea at the moment followed by the Vols fan. The Doc b/c he might have future potential and Minglewood b/c he seems like a good time.
I agree with Jake that being a Vegan chef is like dry humping. Why the hell would you do it when you can Fuck instead!? I mean really, what kind of fuck-tard even considers not cooking meat if they call themselves a chef.
I also agree with jake as well that boring is boring and you shouldn't even bother (sorry Joy, I know you're dating someone that everyone else thinks is boring but you can't defend the statement that "boring isn't that bad"). I mean really, once looks go you're stuck with someone you can't stand to look at or talk to. Drop that bitch immediately.
Finally idiots need not apply, unless he's hung like a mule and fucks like a Kama Sutra master, it just seems like a bad decision. And I know you'll always love that other dude, but only douchebags cheat. And you don't keep hanging out with Douchebags. I love you too much to avoid you b/c i'd be stuck talking to your loser bf if you date anyone other than the first 2.
Good luck with your decision, and make sure to get a free night on the town, from each of the unlucky bastards about to get dumped, before you end it.
wow joy....wow...
ReplyDelete2., I agree that doctors simply guess for the most part...except for maybe surgeons...but lets face it. As engineers...we make a bunch of bullshit assumptions, ignore anything we don't understand, calculate a number, and then throw a safety factor on it to cover our asses. (Its still more respectable though)
Jake, real mean do cook meat...its just fact.
okay totally ditch the unemployed Chef, there is no point in dating a guy if you have to pick him up and pay the bill!
ReplyDeleteI think you should lose the ex too, ex-bfs are just bad news bears.
the guy with the lame personality doesn't sound to worthwhile either, if he's just a wet towel, I'd def let that go.
Chris seems okay even though he doesn't want a girlfriend, as long as you don't want to commit either.
Zack is my favorite, he has a pretty cool job and you probably have more to talk about with him, so I'd keep him around for sure.
#1 Guy moving Memphis- You don't have a reason to get rid of him yet.
ReplyDelete#2 Zack- Only con is that he doesn't like Hillary, and that can be fixed.
#3 Mark 32- Maybe he won't turn out to be that boring after all once you spend more time with him.
#4 Matt- Ex wife, no phone, car, or job. Enough said.
#5 Chris- A jackass, stupid, AND went to BAMA. The first two might be forgivable, but not BAMA because I'm sure he talks a lot of trash.
#6 Mark (the ex)- If it did not work the first time it is not going to work the second or third time, a proven fact.
I'm too tired to come up with a long-winded, witty reply, therefore I'm just gonna be straight and to the point. Go with the med school guy. It's much more fun dating someone when you haven't already noticed all of their flaws.
ReplyDeleteBut let's be honest, it's not like you'll be dating this guy for very long anyway, so keep them all on the speed dial...well except for the vegan hippie bike rider and the cheater, they suck at life.
TCH, drop the cheater, he'll never be trustworthy again. Drop jobless boy. Put the Dr. in the rotation and continue to let them all pay for your food and drinks and have sex with you...i mean really, what could possibly be better than that?
ReplyDeleteFirst of all...don't you have a real job? Where do you get the time to sit down and write this shit? Secondly, you know I have no real experience in this shit so I fully expect my advice to be reprimanded and voided from whatever folder you have the scores in. And lastly, I'm stoned as shit right now so reading all these responses took for fucking ever and I've been working on these couple of sentences for close to an hour. Although everyone's responses were good. I wish I could remember some funny parts. But I can't. I'll have to read them again sometime. Anyway...lets get on with this shit.
ReplyDeleteGet rid of the cheater. Although he would have money for your drug and alcohol habits, he's a fucker. We've done fine all these years on natty light and mids.
Uhh...the doctor dude seems cool. Go with him. Question though: Have you seen his dick?
The boring guy...no way.
The hippie guy seems kind of lame.
Zack and Chris seem like they would be good fucks. Keep them around for that. And one of them doesn't want labels. Good to know. Even though he went to Bama. I think we can look past that if you're just fucking him. And the one dude is a Vols fan. Obvious one there.
Well hope that helps. I know it was very sincere and heart felt so you don't have to thank me for determining what you should do with you're pathetic life. I'll see you in two days cunt rag. Love ya bitch.
By the way I fully expect to win this beer Olympics. I'm going balls to the wall. So I guess this is my pre-apology for any harm I may cause to your reputation or self-being.
Tits Magee - that was the most offensive and vulgar response to an email that I might have ever received. There was absolutely not a single word of that inarticulate, immoral, and subversive email that I would take as any sort of advice. It didn't even make sense. You have probably offended half of the people who read your response and have just cost me an appropriate amount of disrespect from anyone who read it, just because I associate with you. Although I don't see you much anymore, I see you are still a slut and a pothead and act like you are still in college freshman year. And I actually date these guys. Believe it or not, some guys will actually take you out and buy you things and not just do you in the bathroom of a dive bar. So you win the most offensive email award, yet again. Congrats. And I love you for this anyway, so please don't die this weekend. Once again, I will not take any of your so-called advice or answer in of your questions and may God have mercy on your soul.
ReplyDeleteWolfman - You made me sound like a prostitute. Thanks
KrazyforKittens - CUSA sucks in football and you know it. And the next time you crawl through my bushes and bang on my window dressed in party clothes at 7:30 AM, make sure you tell the neighbors you aren't a crackhead so they don't call the cops next time.
Grant - LOL. You win the prize for second most offensive email for your ability to swear and imply sexual references at every opportunity. So congrats to you as well.
Daniel - You were only being honest with the girl who went to university of fl.. fl...flor... Man I can't even say it. Look at all the hurricanes that hit the state of Florida, even God hates that school.
DF - Having the name Mark isn't a bad thing, you're right. I just have a prejudice against them. I need to quit hating, I just have some bad Mark experiences since I've dated like five of them
Liz - I went out with Chris before I knew he went to Bama. And you are right. If we ever dated exclusively I would break up with him every third Saturday in October. So there is the first problem. And I love finding people for people. I have tickets to UCLA so that is my first game this season. Brace yourself. I will find you.
Lacy - Just because I get rid of some of these guys, doesn't mean I won't have any stories. This has never been an issue with my lifestyle.
Everyone else has given some solid advice. And so far I am going to pursue the med school student when he arrives (and if that works out). And I will probably keep dating Zack, because being a Vols fan goes a long way with me. These all have been the consensual choices from most of the responses. Thanks for the advice. I will still keep mulling this over the weekend though until I make any real decisions...or someone catches me. But I will still be finding new guys at every opportunity so don't think I won't have anything to email about. It is like my coworker told me today at work, "Pimpin' ain't dead, hoes just scared."
PS - Since ppl keep asking - it only took me like an hour to write that up. I did it last night at like 2 AM when I was thinking about my situation.
HAHA! My goal was achieved! I won for the most offensive yet again! Haha. I thought it made perfect sense. Maybe you should read through it again and make sure you truly take my advice to heart. If I offended some of your Memphis friends that I have never heard of (cause I haven't according to the CC list), then fuck them. That was mildly repulsive so if any of those people can't handle what I have to say, they must be seriously lame and I am offended that you would go from hanging with someone as entertaining as me to someone who has the personality of a dish towel.
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE A FREAKING PHYSCO!!! You are no longer a cautionary tale, a troubled young soul, a ditsy beer-head who hooks up with random guys in Puke traced bars, or the girl that I feel I may hear about having been found in the woods stinking!! You are completely, whole-heartedly, unequivocally, 100 percent, CRAZY!!
ReplyDeleteI have told you time and time again, that you must watch your back!! You need to watch your back, in the shower, eating at picnics…even at Zoo-brew!!! My advice is below for you and all co company cautionary tales!! Please read carefully!
Mark- aka Scum bag of the earth. If he cheated once…well you know the saying. Now let me follow that by saying I am not simple minded enough to believe that is always true, but what I will say is this…as the “caution to the wind” type as you are I would definitely not want to keep him on my roster or you will be keeping the free clinic on your speed dial as well.
Matt- aka Hippie dude with no car. All I have to say is this…he aint got a car or phone or job man!!!!! Enough said.
Zack- aka Blues brother loving, Hillary Clinton hating, books and band dude. Sounds ok, but how you met is a little creepy…when over the process of six hours you and he were already on the “what’s your fantasy conversation”…CREEPY!
Mark- aka Family Jewels. Now this guy seems like a keeper…if being a keeper is solely based on shallow dreams of diamonds and pearls…oh man let me wake up, this your dude not mines. His weirdness wouldn’t matter a hill of beans; just when you think he is acting a little creepy, look down at that imaginary diamond ring you will con him out of…and it will make everything better. =)
Chris-aka Country Grammar with commitment issues. He’s a playa, and getting hooked up with him will only leave you heartbroken, depressed, and screwed…the last one metaphorically speaking…NOT!
Holler at the doctor, for he may be exactly what you need after hooking up with all these guys anyway!!! Peace Out!!!