The Accidental Anal Incident

WARNING: This story contains explcit material that is extremely damaging to my image as an upstanding Southern lady. Therefore if this email gets forwarded around at great lengths it could not only cost me a Pulitzer, but cause me to move to Cambodia in a black shroud where I would live an anonymous life among monks. So PLEASE handle this email with care and only show it to...well you know the people you are allowed to show it to. Them, and of course some random folks I will never meet are okay too.

OK so it was Thursday night and I was just telling my roommate that I was going to take it easy when my friend Juka called out of the blue and asked me to go to a bar with her. She told me she was going to some bar called Double Deuce near University of Memphis and there was a SEVEN dollar cover for all the beer you could drink. Seven bucks for a slice of heaven? I don't even think I said goodbye I was out the door so fast. Marine Bob went with her and she brought some new friends I didn't know.
While we were drinking Marine Bob told me he saw the Lex Luther look-alike I had hooked up with at the Ole Miss game down the street. The guy's name was Joe and I called him Bald Guy because he shaves his head. He was funny and drank a lot so I texted him.
"Remember me? Come to Double Deuce." He replied within a few seconds that he would be right there. A man with no excuses. I liked him already. When he got there he knew all the people I was with and I asked Juka about him and she told me he was a "partier who slept with everyone'" and I liked him even more.
As one can imagine all of us end up OBLITERATED by midnight. And I ended up stepping out of the bar around 2am and I remember thinking that I have to quit going out like this on school nights because it makes work suck all that much more. But much like drinking and driving, sex without protection, and taking relationship advice from my friends…I had to learn things the hard way. As I got into my car, Bald Guy calls me and asks if he can meet me at my house. I told myself it's too late and I have to work in the morning, but then I thought I'm too young to be responsible and it's not like I'm old as my mom – or responsible for that matter. So I told him he could come over.
When he got there we were both so wasted there was a lot I don't remember, but one thing I'll never forget…
We had this really drunk, rough sex that last forever. I couldn't really tell if it was good or bad because I was so drunk, but he had an ENOURMOUS penis. I remember it was rough because I had to keep telling him that everything he touched was attached to my body. But then we were doing it doggy style for a while and all of a sudden I felt this sharp pain and the wind got knocked out me. You know when you are drunk you have such a slow reaction time? Well it was taking me a minute to realize what was happening. At first I thought maybe my head was slamming into the headboard too hard but then in my drunken stupor I realized that wasn't where the pain was coming from and right before Bald Guy thrusted in me one more time I realized what was going on and screamed:

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH. THAT'S NOT RIGHT. THAT'S NOT RIGHT. WRONG WRONG WRONG PLACE. STOOOPPPPPP!!!!"

To put it bluntly, Bald guy was fucking me right in the ASS. Or in more discreet terms, he was overthrowing to the intended receiver worse than Jonathan Crompton on a third down conversion. When he stopped he apologized profusely and said it was an accident. He then tried to have sex in the correct orifice again and I yelled, NO NO NO NO. I literally was whimpering as I grabbed my blanket and curled up into a ball trying to ignore the exploding pain coming from my gluteus maximus.
Bald Guy: Can't we do it the regular way?
TCH: (whimper)
There was no way he or his Weapon of Mass Destruction was going near me for the rest of the night. Now I'm not a girl who is a major hater of Anal Sex, I mean, whatever floats your boat. But a surprise poke from behind minus any lubricant or mental preparation with a penis nicknamed Mount Everest was not justifiable anal sex. It was Ass Rape. He asked if we could just cuddle then and I spent the rest of the night being terrified of his penis and trying not to roll over so that he couln't spoon me. When I awoke to go to work too few hours later my entire body hurt. I knew it was because I was hungover and had such rough sex, but I pretty much forgot about my Ass Trauma. Then I said goodbye to Bald Guy and I got in my car. When I sat down pain shot throughout my body. Then the Accidental Anal incident all came back. I was reminded of that guy in American History X that couldn't walk or sit right after he got raped in prison. I spend the rest of the day sitting down with caution and two days later I was still a little sore.
I considered going to the doctor, but I found that too mortifying but I still had to discuss this with my friends. I told Joy because she is a good listener, my friend Goldilocks because I knew she had a huge fear of anything involving the butt, and Pigtails- the only other person who I can see something so horrible happening to. That Saturday I went with Bald Guy to the fair and he asked if I would go home with him after. I told him I was still a little sore from our incident and he didn't even remember. He thought it was kind of funny until he realized his mistake wouldn't get him laid again. So he said to make it up to me he would win me something at the fair. Right! Sorry, but a blow up balloon of a TeleTubby was not going to change the fact that I now know what it feels like to be someone's prison bitch.
Several guys have called me since but I don't want to go out with any of them, because I'm scared. I'm not gonna lie. I'm terrified of something like this happening again. I can just see myself in the hospital for accidental anal sex and having to explain everything to my mother and then her telling me no man will ever want to marry me now. How do I even file an insurance claim for that? Blunt trauma to the ass? So guys, I don't know when the next time I date will be. So my stories might get put on hold. And I'm not doing doggy style until I'm married.

And just to pour some salt on my wound I was talking to Bald Guy today and I completely forgot where he went to college. Then he reminded me: He went to the University of Florida. As if this situation didn't suck enough right? That's when I realized just like my beloved Vols football squad, I got fucked in the ass by a Gator.