The Worst Hangover of My Life

This story is dedicated to President Obama and our waitress at Wine Night

The summer before my senior year is what I refer to as The Summer of the Wine. This is because my cohorts and I discovered these cheap jugs of Reisling, of which we drank everyday by the gallon, and more importantly we became addicted to Wine Night: A glorious evening of half priced wine at the Sunspot bar on the Strip where a group of common college folk drank wine and became the happiest mother fuckers this side of Christmas. That summer, the wine dripped from our lips like it was the nectar of the gods. We never left before the bar closed and we never left sober. Of the small handful of times I've been sick from drinking, three of the instances came from Wine Night. You got to drink a lot of wine for this to happen, but we just could never stop. One moment I would be sipping a pinot noir and the next I was crawling from the toiet into my friend's butter sheets. While at various Wine Nights I saw Golden Jew spit on someone and think it was charming, Swayze punch some tool in the face, Goldilocks meet like five future boyfriends, Pigtails get kicked out before 8, and Tits Magee pass out on the bar. It goes without saying, there are some fond memories there. But one night is responsible for the Worst Hangover of My Life.
It all began when Pigtails and I decided to go to Wine Night by ourselves because no one else was around. The morning after Wine Night I was suppose to ride with Goldilocks and Swayze to South Carolina to see Barack Obama speak (back when he was a senator) and I was going to write an article on it (back when I wrote about things that mattered). Since I had to be up at 6AM to leave I knew we couldn't stay up late so Pigtails and I agreed to just have a bottle and got a small little corner table and have a few glasses, a few laughs and turn in early. Goldilocks was coming to meet us early too, but I knew that meant around midnight. If Jesus came back to Earth to carry his people to heaven, he would have to wait two damn hours on that bitch to do her hair. It goes without saying by the time Goldilocks did show up ,that one bottle had turned into three. When she walked in she witnessed Pigtails and myself hunched over our little corner table calling all our friends and telling everyone how much we loved them.

GOLDILOCKS: TCH, I told you not too drink too much because we have to be up so early

TCH (slurred): I'm NOT DRUNK I'M FINE. HAHAHAHA.

PIGTAILS: WE LOVE YOU, GOLDILOCKS. We fucking LOVE YOU!

TCH: HAHA! I will be fine. I always show up on time. I'll be good to go.

GOLDILOCKS (obviously peeved): Well I am coming to your apartment at six and if you aren't up I am going to leave you. And you have to go.

TCH: Dude! I'm GOOD. I KNOW. This guy keeps texting me and I think I might go over there after this though.

GOLDILOCKS: No. That is bad idea. We have to be up early and this guy isn't going to like you if you act like a slut.

PIGTAILS: It's cool. She IS a slut. (TCH laughs). But I will make sure she gets home safe. (Pigtails's little hand then reaches up with her glass to toast to Goldilocks but she can't reach that high so she falls out of her chair).

This was just hysterical to myself and to Pigtails, but Goldilocks, the sober one, just looks bored with our debauchery. Sometime between Goldilocks leaving and the last bottle of wine, Pigtails switched to beers and got me some beers too. It was somewhere during this beer drinking that I lost my memory. Huge pieces of the night are just missing. All I remember, are the following incidences that didn't necessarily happen in order:
- Pigtails setting in the lap of some big, black guy.
- A water hydrant exploding
- Taking shots of something vile
- My lip hurting
- Making out with a guy
- Watching Pigtails throw some Krystal burgers at people
- Walking somewhere in the Fort area
- Throwing up
- Waking up on a cold bathroom floor

I woke up on the cold bathroom floor because my phone was ringing right next to my pounding head. I mumbled some sort of hello, when Goldilocks answered the phone, vomiting up sunshine and rainbows as usual.

GOLDILOCKS: Good morning, Sweetie! Are we up? We have to get on the road.
TCH: Hold on.

I sat up to see my surroundings to realize I was not in my apartment. I did not know where I was and I did not know who's boxers I was in, yet I still had on my party shirt from the night before. I must've looked classy.

TCH: Hey, I don't know where I am. Can you come get me when I find out?
GOLDILOCKS: What the hell? I told you to go home early.
TCH: Well, whatever. Let me see where I am and if I need a ride
GOLDILOCKS: I am going to get Swayze and going to your apartment. You just better be there when I get there! (click)

That Slut. My head hurt so bad and sitting up was making me feel sick. I tried to stand and when I did, I puked. How convenient it was that I was already in the bathroom. I'm such a good drunk. My lip was swollen from something and there was dried blood on the bottom of it. I clutched my stomach as I dizzily roamed around the mysterious apartment. I couldn't see straight, the sun was barely rising but it was already making my head hurt. I just kept groaning. I went into this bedroom where this Random guy was passed out in his bed. I saw my flip flops and my wallet, yet my purse was no where to be found. I stumbled around with my eyes half opened trying to be quiet so not as to wake up the Random, but I needed to find my purse and my pants. After a few minutes I just said, screw it and I left the Random's apartment and surveyed where I was. Goldilocks wouldn't answer her phone because she is a skank so I walked back to my apartment. The entire walk home I kept having to take breaks by the side of the road to rest and vomit. It was disguting and I was in a party shirt, some Random's boxer shorts, and just holding my shoes. Some bitches were walking to the library and look judgementally at me, not that I could blame them since even the bums were laughing at me. By the time I made it back to my place and just threw my clothes and stuff and a bag and kept having to rest and be sick. Eventually I made it downstairs to meet my friends.

TCH: Don't fuck with me right now. I feel like shit.

SWAYZE: You smell like wine. Did you just slur your words?

GOLDILOCKS: Oh my God. You are still wasted. When did you get to sleep?

TCH: I have no idea. I need to call Pigtails.

They took me to McDonald's and try to force feed me a biscuit to make me sober up. During the whole four-hour ride to South Carolina I had the shakes, a migraine, and was sick to my stomach. I was doubled over the whole way. When we got there and got our stuff I felt like I was going to die. I finally got a hold of Pigtails on the phone.

TCH: What happened when we left the bar?

PIGTAILS: I don't know. I just know I pissed all over my boyfriend and his bed. And when I woke up to get my car it was parked in the middle of the front yard and there is a dent in the front of it and had some branches stuck in the grill.

TCH: Well hell...

I had to get off the phone to go to Obama's speech. It was in this large hotel ballroom and it was extremely hot. I was sweating out the wine I think because I kept smelling it everywhere. I was dizzy and hot and having trouble focusing during his whole speech. And then right in the middle of Obama talking about the healthcare debacle I felt it coming: I was going to puke. I got up from our seats and made tons of noise and stepped over people. Everyone was staring and I walked to the back of the ballroom and saw secret service and tried to ask where the restroom was when I just threw up and shoved my head into this large trashcan. The secret service man stared. I swear, the entire ballroom looked at me, and Mr. President himself, even paused in his speech. After that, I felt ok so I went and sat back down. Swayze and Goldilocks told me no one noticed. But I just hope the next time I meet President Obama he doesn't look at me and say, "Oh, I remember you..."

Through various sources, Pigtails and I have determined that after the wine left us shit housed, we got some beers bought for us by these guys on the football team, and then did shots with them and she even got the number of one of them. Then we left, went to Krystals where we fought with someone. She ran into a fire hydrant and dropped me off at the wrong house to meet this guy I was texting. So I had to walk around to find it. He still has my purse and my pants. I still sleep in his boxers. The Random actually called me if I wanted to get my stuff but I couldn't face him again. He told me that I was making out with his roomate because I got the two guys confused. And then I got sick and took off my pants because they were nasty and stole his boxers. I'm glad I make such a good first impression.

I also realized the reason I was so hungover was because I got so drunk and then got 15 minutes to sleep it off. I was seriously hungover for days. The good thing was, I found out my bar tab was only $20 somehow. That should be a T-shirt advertising for Wine Night. "One great night of fun and all I lost was $20, a pair of blue jeans, and a whole lot of dignity."