I never actually realized how offensive my friends and I truly are when we all get together until I went to Michigan. Pretty much my entire life I have always associated with Natty Light drinking alcoholics, herpes-ridden sluts, rude assholes, smart-mouthed yuppies, and other vagrants of upper middle class society. I wonder why I never could be that girl who hangs out with nice people who go see Disney movies and talk about babies and puppies and rainbows or some shit. Oh wait, maybe because I like to actually have fun and don't want to start off my stories with, "Remember that one time we went out, got sober and nothing happened because we suck?"
But every week day I wake up too early and have to be a respectable citizen of Memphis and do crap like answer the phone with my voice so bubbly that my friends call just to listen to me answer it and laugh at me (then they just hang up like assholes, seriously...) And no one is more offensive than my college friends. Whenever I am with them we become these crass, over-sexualized, completely belligerent creepers. In a matter of two hours someone will inevitably show their tits, hump something, get annoyingly drunk, and mention a penis around 231 times. We simply just bring out the best in each other.
So recently I went to visit my friend, Golden Jew, in Michigan. And naturally I could not go alone and was joined by five others I went to college with: Goldilocks, Swayze, Flagpole, Sanchez and Tits Magee. Now I knew this was going to be a shit show and some serious moral ambiguity would ensue, but after taking notice I began to realize that everywhere we went we offended people. I am sure we always do this, but the four days I spent in Michigan might have hit the record of being obscene. Just to be sure of this, I have decided to recant my trip by simply retelling every offensive thing that happened. So in this story, I have numbered every single thing that was done that would displease better people:
DAY 1: I arrive at the Detroit airport and Golden Jew comes to pick me up in his corvette. When we roll up into his house after driving 90 miles an hour the whole trip there he (1) starts to throw a baseball at the mini-van parked in his driveway. I mean he was really giving it a Todd Helton punch. He explained that it was his roommate's and he was using it for the cash for clunkers and that we were going to spray paint over the weekend so it didn't matter if we banged it up a little. There were some kids next door staring in awe as he throws things at the minivan when Swayze pulled his car up yelling "HEEEEY Bitches!" (2) and as Tits Magee sits in the passenger seat with her middle finger out the window while calling us cunts (3). The kids next door then start crying and run into the house and tell mommy there are evil people outside (most likely). Flagpole and Sanchez are in the backseat of the car and everyone gets inside and immediately begins to drink. After everyone is nice and wasted and refuses to eat dinner (4) we go get Goldilocks at the airport and head out to Ann Arbor because it is a Thursday night and Ann Arbor is a college town. And there is no better place to drink on Thursday's than college towns.
Golden Jew is driving the ever pimp-tastic minivan and remains sober for the night. Yet he partakes in the first round of drinking since we go to a German bar and all of us pass around this gigantic boot of beer (there is a God) and make a game out of it with rules and everything. One of the rules was that we all had to refer to each other by the name of the last person we slept with (5) and if you messed up you had to buy the person a drink. (they were only $2, God loves me). This was mostly funny because Tits Magee had recently gotten into black guys, so we all got to spend the entire night calling her "Cordell" (6). And of course Golden Jew was obliged to tell the waiter what we were doing (7) and he just stared at us like freaks. When we went to the next bar with $3 car bombs everyone was ridiculous. We were pushing people around to get to the bar even though it wasn't even crowded (8) and when I found these two girls from Georgia in the bathroom I spent like an hour in there talking shit about UGA and their ugly little bulldog (9). Then all of us found out the guy singing on stage knew how to play Rocky Top on his guitar and Swayze gave him a 20 to play it three times in a row (10) and all seven of us clapped and square danced and yelled the song at the top of our lungs all three times (11). There was literally a circle of people in the bar standing around and watching us. Clearly, no one was on our level. Then just in case we had not offended the University of Michigan bargoers enough we started the SEC chant, infamously annoying to everyone except fans of the SEC (12). Afterwards some dude mentioned Tim Tebow and Swayze politely told him to "suck a dick" (13). Someone during this time we thought it was a great idea to start taking photos, several of which involved massive amount of cleavage and girl on girl kissing (14). We then had to chase ole Tits down as she tried to run out on her tab by literally running down the street and hiding behind a garbage can (15). At home, I passed on on the extra bed with Goldilocks, but since I was so drunk I got her confused with my boyfriend and kept trying to grope her in my sleep (16) so she spent all night saying things like, "No, TCH, stop touching me" (16) and Sanchez in the bed next to us was whispering to Flagpole "this is awesome" (17).
DAY 2: I awoke with Tits Magee trying to hump me (18) and she said she woke up with Golden Jew leaning over her and poking her in the boob saying "those things are huge" (19). Swayze and I sat outside on the back porch and drank and discussed films, malaria, the politics of china and this bitch he was dating who is still sore at him because he dumped her for being stupid and lame and she wrote that he was gay on her facebook status and he wanted to respond that her face was gay (20) so naturally, I purposely tried to add her as my friend just to ask her how gay it was whenever he was jizzing on her face (21) but she didn't fall for it. Once again we all piled in the minivan and this time we went to a tour of Detroit where we saw some abandoned buildings, a bunch of bars, stadiums where the nation's shittiest team play, a lot of minorities, and a total of three times we were offered drugs right on the street. At one bar there were some underage girls at a table with their dad. One of them had on a skimpy bikini top and her 15 year old boob was about to fall out and the guys kept staring and hoping it was going to so much so that Golden Jew, whose back was to her, set up a digital camera right under his arm and asked Flagpole when he had it perfectly focusing on the boob shot (22). He then took a picture of exactly when it fell out and then shouted "RUN" to the rest of us while he bolted out the door before her dad came over and killed him(23).
That night we decided to hit up the yuppie bars and Golden Jew's roommate Pooh was the DD. First of all, we go to this restaurant/bar with some great chicken wings and the waitress thought we were all so cute with our Southern accents and mentioned she was born in Georgia and even wanted to get a tattoo of a peach on her ass. So Golden Jew asked how big it would be and she said it would be really small, which surprised him because he thought she would just get a giant one encompassing her entire ass.(24) She was grossed out by this so he defended himself by saying, "Oh I think that is great that your whole ass would look like a giant peach, just so I don't have to see the pit." (25) We all found it humorous that he mentioned the server's asshole after speaking with her for five minutes but she just turned around and left, disgusted, and probably went to spit on our food. Golden Jew's other roommate, Wisconsin, also joined us and asked where our other friend was. Our other friend he was speaking of was at a wedding and being a shit show somewhere else, but Golden Jew, making up for his sobriety from the previous evening, said, "She couldn't make it, she had to go get an abortion."(26) Everyone just groaned at this remark so he said, "What? Too soon?" (27). Then this drunk girl came over to our table and just sat right down on Sanchez and began poking Tits Magee in the boobs. Tits Magee gets this a lot. I couldn't hear what they were talking about but by the time we got up to leave, this elegant young lady and Swayze were making out in the middle of the restaurant and he was drunkenly trying to get to third base in front of God and everybody. Meanwhile all of us stood there, laughed, pointed and took pictures. (28). After the show was over we went to this cool place and Wisconsin bought us all jager bombs in celebration. Swayze immediately puked all over himself in the middle of the bar.(29) Tits Magee, who got some of the chicken wing vomit on her foot, just looked up at me and said, "Can't take this bitch anywhere" and she went to the bathroom to wash off her foot. (30) Since Swayze got us all kicked out (we now were allowed to tease him mercilessly) we went to this bar called Memphis Smoke where this huge guy who looked like Frankenstein was being a bouncer. Naturally, I thought he was hot so, as I was later told, I spent ten minutes talking to him and rubbing on his biceps (31). Goldilocks and I went and whored ourselves out for free drinks (32) and then Tits Magee and I commented on how all the girls in Detroit dressed like sluts, since we saw several animal, skin-tight dresses and a couple of girls dressed up like disco balls (33). We then made it our life goal to find the Whores-R-Us store that every bitch in Detroit shopped at (34). I mean, in the south, young ladies go to bar in a sundresses, pearls, and a smile, not in pleather shirts used as dresses, come-fuck-me heals and an attitude. On the way home, Wisconsin thought it would be fun to tear up the inside of the van and everyone followed suit and ripped out everything inside it and Tits Magee put one of the broken head rests on top of her head and wore it as a hat for like 45 minutes. (35). Idiot.
DAY 3: The main reason we picked this specific weekend was because of the Hybrid Olympics. The Hybrid Olympics is an unofficial event at someone's house where two different sections of young employees (at an unnamed business) have these games which involve drinking mass quantities of beer. Golden Jew assumed we would love this of course. I can no longer imagine how the automotive industry can go bankrupt when its employees think up such great activities. Anyway we all show up and participate in the games and they are awesome. The funniest game was the Dizzy Bat where everyone spun around on a bat and had to chug a beer and run. Then there was Keg Ball where everyone played kick ball but had full cups of beer at all times so whenever anyone ran or tried to catch a ball they would fall down and spill beer all over themselves. And watching people fall is always funny. By the time Keg Ball was being played everyone there was a shit show. There was this one guy there with this gigantic dog named Tyson. And if anyone knows me they know I am always being an asshole to animals. So I pretty much had this coming... in all fairness to the dog. But I was eating a hot dog right in front of the dog's face and telling him how good it was and then I was putting my face right up to the dog and torturing him by sticking my tongue out.(36) The dog's leash only went so far and was going nuts with the stuff I was doing. But eventually, ole Tyson got some slack on that leash and literally tackled me to the ground and caused me to spill my beer on myself. He then climbed on top of me and profusely licked me and sat right down on my head so that when I looked up all I could see were massive dog-balls right on my forehead. I was officially teabagged by a dog.(37) Apparently half the 100 people there saw that and some took pictures so that made me a name a the party: yes, TCH is the one who got sexually molested by the dog. Who else would that happen to?
Some time during this Golden Jew ends up shirtless, swearing at people during Keg Ball, rolling around on the ground with the dogs and he and Pooh get into a fight in a mud pit (39) Male mud wrestling: now it was a party! Of course, while watching grown men mud wrestle I met a guy myself. He had on a Virginia Tech shirt so let's call him Hokie Fan. He and I started playing our own drinking game which I lost. When I asked what I had to do for losing he told me to go with him behind the house and find out. I'm a smart girl - so I went, but acted like I didn't know what he meant.(40) While I was walking behind the house I see Tits Magee who just shakes her head disapprovingly and flips me off.(41) She can be such a hater. But I bet if the guy's name was Tyrone and he was having a blossoming career in the rap industry she would have been back there faster than you can slap a hoe. So me and the Hokie Fan made out for a while and he suggested we go inside the house. (42.) And of course I am wasted enough to say yes(43). But on the way in Goldilocks grabs me.
GOLDILOCKS: What the hell did you do and who did you do it with?
TCH: I didn't do anything. What are you talking about?
GOLDILOCKS: Shut the fuck up. I know you. I know more about you than I would like. Where are you going?
TCH: (I break because she is right. She knows me): I'm going in the house to fool around with this guy.
GOLDILOCKS: Ok. (she is bored with me and eyes the guy with Tyson) Just don't be stupid. (44)
This is why we are friends. Goldilocks doesn't judge; she just likes to be a bitch and get in my business. Probably why she will make a great lawyer one day.
So I go into the house and Hokie Fan magically appears and grabs me and we start making out in the bathroom. (45)
I am not sure if it was that I was just shocked, just wasted or that all I could hear was Golden Jew and Swayze screaming things outside like, "take that, you cunt rags!"(46) but the whole situation was way less hot than it sounds. So we stopped and readjusted ourselves in order to go outside. But apparently there was a line to get into the bathroom so Hokie Fan hid in the shower (47)and when I got out of the bathroom there were like ten pissed off people staring at me. (48) I watched as three girls went in to use the bathroom completely unaware that he was in the shower (note to self). I just left him in there for God knows how long and went back to the party.
I took a couple of hits from the ice luge and then is when things get really fuzzy. I remember a poor attempt at trying to play 20-man flip cup and that a shirtless Golden Jew couldn't ever get his cup to land right but still kept cheering like he won or something(49). Then Swayze and I went to the restroom and while I was waiting on him to get out of there I laid down on the stairs and passed out.(50) I still have no idea what time it was, how many people saw me, or how long I was out. Swayze said he just saw me, laughed a little, and left me there. (51) What are friends for?
During the time I was unconscious I found out that Hokie Fan finally got out of the bathroom when one of his friends (a straight laced guy apparently) went to relieve himself and he burst right from behind the shower and was like, "Booyah!" (52) So the straight-laced guy pissed all over him and made a scene. Naturally, he and everyone else who saw them leave the bathroom together inquired why he was behind the shower. So my reputation of being the girl who got teabagged by a dog became even more tarnished, and I almost didn't think that was possible since let's keep in mind I was passed out in the floor at this point. I also found out that Goldilocks and the cute dog owner ended up doing some touching and feeling (the dog was left out of it this time).(53) And that Swayze didn't end up hooking up with Snow Boots. Oh sorry, Snow Boots is this girl he had sex with when he went to Michigan previously and she tried to convince him that snow boots could be sexy by doing him while she had on a pair. Thus her nickname. He didn't hook up with her because she had been eyeing someone else it seems. According to Flagpole, Flagpole and Snow Boots were having a pleasant drunken conversation with about six other people when she said to some random guy, "Hey, I might not have as big a tits as that Ashley girl, but I will fuck the hell out of you tonight."(54) Flagpole said he just nodded and said, excuse me I have to go wash my chest hair (or something of the sort).(55) He then went to play beer pong which he usually excels at but did miserably at on this day. When Pooh asked why he was doing so bad, he said it was because he never usually plays beer pong against such fine-ass women and this girl distracted him.(56) The said hot girl heard him say this and she just stared at him in a offended manner and waltzed off. Some people have no sense of graciousness.
I woke up from being passed out by Sanchez kicking me in the butt a couple times.(57) I thanked him and rolled back to the party for some more drinking. I see Golden Jew in someone else's shirt (58)shoveling food in his face and Tits Magee and I start talking to him about something perverted.(59) I don't remember what but I remember it involved both of us touching his penis which we both did and thought was simply hysterical.(60) He didn't even notice. He just kept downing a hot dog while we were giggling like two idiots and Tits Magee made a comment about what smooth balls he had.(61) I myself, don't remember. There wasn't even a drop of sexuality to this. How many people witnessed this is unknown, but no one else even brought it up but me since I am the only one who even remembers. Most of us don't remember the ride home except that Tits Magee had to cuss some guys out in order for us to leave, it was probably just Swayze, but no one really knows.(62)
DAY 4: Following a delicious hangover brunch at a dive bar Swayze, Flagpole, Tits Magee and Sanchez all drove home. But Golden Jew, Pooh, Goldilocks and myself decided to go to Canada. We were much less offensive in Canada since there were only four of us. Yet we still managed some moments. For example, Golden Jew and Goldilocks both proceeded to hit on the attractive members of the border patrol. (63) Goldilocks tried to hurt herself so she could go to a hospital and see what the Canadian public health care option was REALLY like. (64) She also hunted down the herbal medicine stores to try to find one that sells bear gallbladders (don't ask, it is some humane society shit). (65) And we went to a casino where we found out there were free beverages so we went ape shit and had like eight diet cokes just because we could. I know, we live dangerously (66). On the way back into the states we saw a couple of lesbians so Goldilocks loudly said, "Hey guys look. It's lesbians. It's lesbians!" (67)
TCH: Goldilocks, really, act like a democrat. Could you be a little more civilized?
Golden Jew: Dude, you act like you haven't been to a Lady Vols game.(68)
We took things much easier that night since we had to recover from the previous couple of days and fly out that Monday. We went to Greektown in Detroit for some dinner and had a nice evening. I asked Pooh how he liked hanging out with all of us this weekend and his response was, "Man you guys talk more about penises that anyone I ever met." Yeah, that is how we roll - juvenile and subversive. As I was leaving I saw a sign that said we should come back to Michigan. And then I realized Michigan probably really didn't want us there. And if the state of Michigan doesn't want you, then things are really bad.
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