Penis Envy in Alabama

I hate Alabama.

Every time I go there something horrible happens. The first time I went to a game at University of Alabama I dented my car, got strep throat, and got dumped by a guy who once argued with me that Africa was a country. The second time I went with my brother who hung out with some of his fraternity brothers but when the chapter at Alabama found out my brother's chapter let in a black guy they made it clear they weren't invited back and said the n-word like 400 times including my favorite racist statement of the month on their African American running back, "Man, that (insert racial slur) runs like there was a bucket of fried chicken and watermelon in the end zone!" What was this,1954? Obviously not, because then their team would actually win a championship instead of choking. And this time I went to UA for a game was equally as bad since I SAW THE SMALLEST PENIS OF MY LIFE.

Let me back up. I was completely wasted and having a blast at some bar with my friends and talking to these three guys. Every guy I would bring to the table I was at and I would make out with them and tell them I am not interested in the other guys so I could score some drinks. One girl noticed this and called me out. And I just told her I was trying to see which one I should hook up with. She said the third one and I agreed. Let's call this guy, Little John Thomas. He wasn't as tall as I usually liked but I didn't care because he seemed nice. We walked back to his place from the bar and fooled around and that is when I saw it: The smallest penis I have ever laid my whorish eyes on. I couldn't believe it. Even in my state of complete intoxication I was in utter shock. I, therefore, made it a point to remember it's exact size. In my creative, yet secretive way I discovered the size of it was about 3.4 inches...erect. Just call me the perverted Sherlock Holmes. I remember my mouth dropped open and I had to make sure that was as big as it got and that was definitely it. So naturally I did what any self-respecting southern lady would do - I ran away. I ran like a bitch. I said I had to go to the bathroom then ran out the back door. It started to rain and I tripped and hurt myself I was in such a hurry. I then proceeded to text everyone I had ever met and told them what happened. I probably shouldn't have been driving anywhere, especially just to get away from some genitals, but I once left a bar with three frat guys and a former cast member from the Real World and didn't think anything bad would happen...bad decisions are my thing. I have no idea how I made it home.

First off, I am just going to say that I think I have seen a wide variety of the male member for my age. NOTE: I do not prefer the term "slut" but instead "penis enthusiast." And I have never not hooked up with someone because it was too small. I have never really cared, especially if I liked the guy. But this was just unreasonable. It looked like the hors d'ourves served at the tailgate. The whole thing could fit in the palm of my hand. So this got me to thinking in my warped mind about penis envy and how important size really is. I just read on Men's Health that the average penis size of the human male is 5.9 to 6.1 inches (this amazingly is including all those guys in China). This made me feel better. But I was wondering how much other women really care. So I surveyed some friends of mine and asked how they felt about small penises. I have given them nicknames except for Joy because she never does anything bad enough to deserve one.

Pigtails - "I don't care as long as they know how to fucking work it...And they smack my ass."

Tits Magee - " I don't know. I usually date black guys."

Goldilocks - "If they don't have a big penis I consider them less of a man. I have refused to hook up with guys for that before. I don't care if it's mean" *

White Trash Tasha - "If it is under six inches I'd rather use a vibrator and read a magazine."

Cuntry Courtesan - "No. Just...no."

The Strumpet - "How much money does he make?"

McSlutty - "There are too many penises in the world to waste time on a small dick."

Token Gay Guy - "As long as you can feel it."

Hot Mess - "I don't care. I would do it. But I am a slut."

Irish - "If I really like the guy it doesn't matter. But 3 inches? Really?"

Butter - "How drunk am I in this scenario?"

Joy - "Something like that doesn't matter as long as the two of you love each other. You can be happy with him completely and have a truly beautiful relationship no matter what his God-given anatomy is." (I don't know why she hangs out with us.)

*This is also a woman who once refused to hook up with a guy because she found out he voted for Bush in the 2004 election.

For the most part I think that we women don't mind so much because unlike men, we generally DO care more about a guy's personality than his physical features. Even his most important physical feature. As for me, I still don't really care but I realize I now have some limits when it comes to randoms. And I have one more reason to hate Alabama.