TCH Establishes Nightly Rate

So this one notorious evening I once had recently came back to haunt me. And no, I didn't find out I had an STD. But I ran into this guy in memphis the other day when I was with my mother and spent an hour hiding in the self-help section of a bookstore trying to avoid him. when you hear what I did you will know why.

A few weeks after I got canned from my last job I decided to go back to school in Knoxville. So my last weekend in Memphis had to be left in true TCH style. I remember it was football season and my Vols just got their asses kicked by Florida in the Swamp once again so I was already drunk and not looking to go out because I was mad (see why I am depressed). But my friends Amanda and Jennifer were going out to a karaoke bar and some guys were going so I decided to go for a little bit. One can imagine how this turned out. First, I'm wearing some Vols clothes and people talk shit all night because this bar is near University of Memphis which, as I have found, is full of haters so I get riled up early on. Then Amanda gets this brilliant (read: terrible) idea to start doing shots of some kind of blue shit which of course tastes awesome so I have like 200 of them. Then Jennifer brings some of her guy friends to the bar. Amanda and Jennifer both have boyfriends so I love hanging out with them because they are always passing guys my way. I have the greatest friends. Both of Jennifer's friends are tall and cute (at the time anyway) and I immediately tell her that. But then the cuter one, who looks like Roy from The Office, has to ruin it by speaking, like so many men do.

ROY : Sorry we had to beat you guys today. (looking at my Vols shirt)
TCH: Oh, did you go to Florida?
ROY: No.
TCH: Are you from Florida?
ROY : No.
TCH: You ever been to Florida?
ROY: Not really.
TCH: Then why do you even like them?
ROY: Oh, I just always liked them ever since I was a little kid, my dad was a fan too.
TCH: Aren't you like 30?
ROY: I'm 34
TCH: (completely trashed) Florida didn't even have a team when you were a kid! They couldn't hack it to save their lives. The only people that could sprint through a field were the damn Cubans trying to avoid border patrol and elderly Jewish women in their cadillacs!!
ROY: But they won today!
TCH: I hope a hurricaine blows that school away and it's fans get eaten by alligators in the floods.

ROY who will now be referred to as Mr. Douche, is laughing at my animosity. I look at his friend, who is also cute and has some nice arms in his t-shirt.

NICE ARMS: I'm a huge UT fan!

...and done.

Since I am billigerent at this point and so are my friends I wander around the bar and socialize. I make friends with everyone except for people who want to talk about sports. Now, there are two things TCH never does at bar: Karaoke and Dancing. I love karaoke bars, but I don't ever participate. I can humiliate myself in public without a microphone all the time. And I don't dance because dancing is stupid. I never understood the point and never do it so I am probably bad at it. But on this magical evening I was doing both. Or so I was told. However, after completing what I am sure was a glorious rendition of Summer Nights with a new friend I met, someone once again made a crack about the Vols losing. So then in my microphone I call the guy a number of obscenities ranging from "a bandwagon pussy" to a "cunt muscle" and that it wasn't my fault he couldn't get into college. I didn't know that guy, but I know he didn't go to Florida. Someone took my microphone and everything was blurry. Jennifer then tells me I got us kicked out so we had to go home. She then tells me that Mr. Douche wants to hook up with me really badly and I tell her he doesn't have a shot in hell. Outside in the parking lot he confronts me.
MR. DOUCHE: You don't want to make out or anything? You told Jennifer I was cute!
TCH: Sorry. I don't fuck Florida fans.
MR. DOUCHE: You can't be serious.
TCH: ...

Don't say I'm not a real fan. I then grab his friend NICE ARMS to come with me. And MR. Douche tries to cockblock because he is a douche and likes Florida. I really do give my ALL to the Vols.

I got back to NICE ARMS' house and was way too wasted to be there. I realize this when I throw up and pass out on the bathroom floor. However, he is completely trashed too and cares not. I finally get up and put my game face on and THEN hook up with him on the couch. I hardly remember anything. He said after we finished screwing around he passed out on the couch and I spent like 2 hours watching the movie The Mist on the Sci-Fi channel. I've never even heard of that movie. So that part was fuzzy to me but I do remember getting up still terribly inebriated and looking around the house at things. I looked at his medicines and then googled them on the internet to see what he was taking, none of which I specifically remember. Then I looked in his closet to see if he really had any Vols clothes to show his fandom (he did) and while I was in there I saw this gigantic bucket of change. It was a bucket from this popular bar on Beale St. that I remember because of its beer drinking goat and these huge buckets of alcohol. This bucket was filled to the brim with change. Now, don't ask me why I did this. I've never stolen anything in my life but for some reason in my drunken stupor I picked up that huge bucket with two hands and ran, butt-naked, out to my car and put it in the backseat. Good thing it was 4am or the neighbors would have gotten a show. I then went inside his house and slept in his bed that he wasn't even in. The next day he woke me up and we ate some breakfast and talked a little and then politely exchanged phone numbers like we would actually call each other and I left. I completely forgot that I had stolen that huge bucket of change hidden under that backseat. It was until weeks later that I discovered it when cleaning out my car.

I felt so guilty I thought about giving it back, but then I realized that would make me look insane so I decided to just keep it. It was just change anyway. One of my friends eventually convinced me to take it to Coinstar to cash it in and see how much change was in there. So I casually took it one day. You can imagine my suprise when I cashed it in and the total amount of change was $352.47!!!!

And with that, I just established my rate for a one night stand. I'd like to think of it as karma. I did the right thing by going home with the Vol fan and not the Florida fan, therefore I was rewarded. In some twisted fucked up way, it was a gift. Pure TCH karma.