Waffle House and Tit Cakes don't mix with Sobriety

Author’s Note: I was sober through this entire ordeal.

I always said I would try to lose weight when I could no longer score free drinks at a bar. This time occurred in college, after taking the “freshman 15” to new levels, so I went on a serious diet. Because we live in a cruel world, alcohol is loaded with calories, thus my drinking was cut back to only Adult weekends (College weekends begin on Wednesday) and mostly consisted of rum. Life was hard. I didn’t even break for special celebrations because in college there was always some damn Columbus Day of a reason to celebrate with alcohol. Therefore, on the night of Golden Jew’s 22nd birthday I was able to witness all of my friends in their own drunken glory through the purest of eyes.

The night began in the jubilant land of Wine Night (for a more detailed description of this weekly festivus see The Worst Hangover of My Life). Golden Jew was celebrating by having a nice dinner with friends (meaning getting slammed with each other as opposed to a party) which included myself, my roommate Tits Magee, Goldilocks, Pigtails, Hot Mess and my best guy friends Swayze and Flagpole. Because we all enjoyed acting like a perverted version of a family, Hot Mess baked him a cake. Of course the cake she baked was shaped like giants titties that she purchased on one of our impromptu roadtrips to a sex store in Kentucky (don’t ask). Props to Hot Mess because the Tit Cake looked awesome! After Golden Jew molested it we all decided to bar hop around the Strip near the university after Wine Night. There is immediate drama when the drinking begins per usual.
This fuck rag I commonly refer to as Jailboy was present at Wine Night and he was wasted. He was only there because he was stalking Goldilocks. Like a dumbass she was nice to him and led him on out of the goodness of her heart but mostly it was because of the great depth of her low self esteem that can only be achieved by really pretty girls. He hated me and all of Goldilock’s friends because we are awesome and he sucked. At the bar, she was talking to her current suitor Long Hair. No, he isn’t Native American, he just had long hair. And Jailboy called her a slut or something so I immediately called him a prick in her defense, but then he got in my face. Well, he was like 5’6 so he kinda got in my face.

Jailboy: You got something to say to me?

I was about to yell but remembering he was white trash and might hit me I turned around to see if my friends had my back. Tits Magee was sitting in her usual spot chain-smoking and not about to take the energetic five steps to defend me. Goldilocks was pretending nothing was going on to impress Long Hair. Golden Jew was raucously laughing to himself and probably wanted to see me get hit for his entertainment. Swayze was schmoozing with some bitch with a dyke haircut. Pigtails and Hot Mess were simultaneously performing lap dances on Flagpole and completely oblivious to anything but making him blush. Fuck my friends. I could take this guy.

TCH: Actually, yes, I do. I hate you. Please get the fuck out of this bar because it is for people who are smart enough to go to colleges not online. You are mean to my friend and you aren’t even hot! So walk the fuck home! (He didn’t have a car. Naturally).

Jailboy: fuck you fat, cunt, ugly, whore, shitty, bitch, scraggly…blah.

This went on for a hot minute. And just as Swayze was about to come over and punch him in the face, Jailboy tripped over a chair, spilled wine all over himself, and got kicked out of the bar, sparing him any last bit of dignity. Goldilocks felt bad because that guy was mean to me (I think so) but I just told her it was ok, we all slum it in college, and this Long Hair boy better treat her nicer.

After Wine Night we headed to the Skankiest Bar in America because they had a dance floor and my friends love looking stupid in public. However, this endeavor lasted about five minutes because Pigtails and Hot Mess were swinging around these polls like strippers and falling down on their asses and consequently showing all their goodies to every creeper there, which got us immediately kicked out. But then we went to the Greatest College Bar Ever and the dancing continued. The falling and flashing strangers continued but we never got kicked out because we were on a first name basis with the bartenders, this being the Greatest College Bar Ever and all. However, travesty struck when Pigtails, Hot Mess and Tits Magee decided to do shots. Rough enough when one does them, but all three and it’s Bad News Bears. First off, Pigtails was forbidden by all of us to drink liquor due to an unfortunate birthday assault where she tried to kill some people. She was only allowed ONE shot per night thereafter or we learned she would turn into something violent and evil. Kind of like a gremlin.
The guys were no better. I went to the bathroom and got a picture text from Goldilocks’ phone of her in some lingerie. Knowing there is shadiness afoot I see Goldi scamming Long Hair at the bar for drinks and Golden Jew was the sole person at our table, giggling uncontrollably. I confronted him.

TCH: You are an asshole for sending that from her phone.

Golden Jew: I only sent it to you.

Flagpole (walks up): Why would Goldilocks send me a text of her in underwear?

I just glared at Golden Jew who found this even more hysterical. Then Tits Magee came up and complained about how her tits are too big for her shirt so she just pulled her shirt below her boobs, exposing her orange bra. She would walk around like this for the rest of the evening. Following suit Hot Mess came up to dance/hump the guys at our table when, out of the corner of my eye, I see some creeper reach up her dress. I then realize this is just Golden Jew as he rips her thong out, which she proceeds to swirl around her head and yell, “VICTORY!”

When we leave this bar and walk home everyone had to chase around Pigtails who was in her own level of drunk. She had no shoes on for some reason and kept falling down but would hit anyone who touched her. Flagpole was the main one chasing her down for safety but he got distracted when Hot Mess’s dress strap broke, which made the top part fall down so that she was running around in her bra and not much else, thong in hand. When the cops drove by Flagpole used his body to hide her nudity. What a gentleman. By this time Pigtails had ran away somewhere so I had to search for her for like an hour only to find her in a dark alley passed out among dirt, broken glass and probably the DNA of many a rapist. When I drug her into my apartment a security guard knocked on my door to tell me we “lost one.” And that Hot Mess was passed out in the bushes.
When Pigtails was contained and calm, Goldilocks ditched us for Long Hair and I tried to get to sleep but singing awaked me in my living room. I went in there to find Flagpole, Golden Jew and Tits Magee with their arms locked front to back singing “My Heart Will Go On” at the top of their lungs. I yelled and told them to shut the fuck up because I had class and they just laughed at me because no one respects a drunken slut trying to be responsible. So I gave up on sleep unlike Swayze who was passed out on the couch. Flagpole and Golden Jew decided to draw on him since his shoes were on and it was only fair. They wrote the word “DICK” across his forehead and drew a huge penis on the side of his face with semen droplets shooting into his mouth. Didn’t I meet the classiest people in college? Then, in a moment of brilliance, Golden Jew suggested a trip to Waffle House and gets Swayze up to go with us. When the six of us got to Waffle House there were only college aged people there and one table saw Swayze’s face and immediately started yelling out, “DICKHEAD! DICKHEAD!” but they were shushed by us. Our waitress, Catangela, looked at Swayze and gasped, “Oh, honey child!” but Tits Magee got her to be quiet too and Catangela called us “foolish folk.”

Eventually Pigtails felt bad for Swayze because random patrons kept coming to our table to take pictures of him, laugh and call him Dickhead. So she takes him to the bathroom to wash the marker off his face. He then drunkenly, figured out what was going on so he barreled out of the bathroom yelling obscenities at all of us.

Swayze: You MOTHERFUCKERS I am gonna KILL you. ASSHOLES! You guys crossed a line! Tonight in your sleep I am going to slap each one of you in the face with my DICK!

Naturally, the angry outburst sent everyone into fits of hysteria. The guy at the next table was peeved at our loud and childish behavior and asked us to be civilized and we told Catangela to which she responded, “Civilized? At the Waffle House?” A few minutes later, Pigtails came back from the bathroom and told me she made out with Flagpole while she was in there. Nothing like love blossoming in the bathroom stalls of Waffle House.

The next morning there was a panic when no one could find Flagpole. I was worried that he had been kidnapped, or got in a drunken accident and was hurt, or worst of all, hooked up with Pigtails. But when she hadn’t seen him either I figured we could treat our friend like a lost dog and if he didn’t show up by sundown then we could post some flyers with his picture on them asking, “have you seen this man?” But he turned up asleep in the spare bedroom of my apartment that he somehow broke into the night before. When I called to tell Golden Jew I had found him, Golden Jew told me he just got done talking with Goldilocks and her night with Long Hair.

TCH: That is great! He seems a lot more respectable than that other loser who liked her.

Golden Jew: Ha! Last night Long Hair came on her face!

TCH: What? What the hell? How does that even come up in conversation?

Golden Jew: He did it like a porn star! She didn’t even know that makes her a dirty whore now. Not as dirty as Tits Magee, but still. HAHA! But she still thinks he respects her. She said she is coming to your place and we are all going to have a serious discussion about what this means for her relationship.

TCH: Seriously?

Golden Jew: Of course.

That was the day I quit my sobriety. With friends who get together for reasons like this, it is best to drink heavily and drink often.