In honor of Valentine's I distribute this. Let's be honest, everyone wants to be in a relationship at some point, but I never get the pity parties people -especially women - throw themselves because they are single. Someone the other day, had seen all the photos on my facebook profile and told me "You look like you always have a really good time." Well, yeah I do, because instead of moping about being single or, worse, dating some loser just because I don't want to be alone, I have come to embrace and downright bask in my solo lifestyle.
Why? Well one reason is because I am extremely spoiled and selfish and I don't like anything or anyone to get in the way of "me time" and the things I enjoy doing - like traveling, sleeping around, and being a drunken lush of young professional. Naturally, all those things tend to clash with having a meaningful relationship. But I don't care. I am not 40 years-old and by the time I am ready to get married most of my friends will be getting over their first divorce so I am sure I can pick up some guy then. Until then, may I roam free. And for those of you by yourself on Valentine's Day get some friends and go out. The best Valentine's Day I ever had wasn't with a guy- it was during college when my friends and I went to a strip club and got trashed. Remember that. And remember these 50 reasons you are single:
(This is targeted at women obviously, because I am a woman. But I am sure men can make their own list which you can feel free to send to me since I believe in gender equality in my married people prejudice).
1. Going to weddings. While your non-single friend who is getting married just spent her life’s savings on her dress and must stay sober and talk to all her relatives she had to invite, you will joyously consume her free alcohol, catered food and go home with a groomsman.
2. Shaving one’s legs becomes an optional daily activity.
3. “Sex and the City” marathon with no bitching.
4. Sleeping in flannel
5. After cleaning the apartment, it will stay until you mess it up yourself.
6. No snoring
7. No stroking the male ego. Or the male anything.
8. Free drinks at the bar.
9. While your non-single friends are at home having “movie night,” you are out…probably getting free drinks…at a bar.
10. The television is all yours. Oh look! Another special on the photoshoot of the male Twilight cast members partially clothed!
11. You can have male friends – even if they want to sleep with you.
12. The tampons can be in plain view
13. Less contact with testicles. (those things are so ugly)
14. You actually have best friends that you actually do stuff with.
15. The hair dryer isn’t in the third drawer from the bottom.
16. No sharing of the closet.
17. Spend your paycheck on what you want with no criticism – this especially includes wine, slutty clothes, and bath products.
18. If someone invites you to a party. You immediately say “yes” and don’t have to see if your other half feels like it or not.
19. Saving money on Valentine’s Day, birthdays, Christmas and every other excuse of a holiday where you have to buy someone an overpriced piece of crap.
20. Sex: anytime, anywhere, anyone
21. Sleeping with a married person – It doesn’t make YOU a cheater.
22. No nagging (women may take the cake on this, but men definitely do their share).
23. When you date casually or turn someone down there aren’t legal proceedings or fees. Just humiliation.
24. No pretending to like his friends or think his jokes are funny.
25. No Mothers-in-law
26. No blow jobs – because you know they suck.
27. Trip this weekend? You are free.
28. Drinking every night with no judgment. And then there is day drinking…
29. Lower chances of pregnancy. And let’s face it, kids suck.
30. Going on a blind date and pretending you have epilepsy.
31. If there is a guy with you in the morning, you can kick them out and never see them again.
32. Random bar make outs with guys hotter than your friend’s husbands.
33. No one asks, “What the hell is that suppose to mean?”
34. Shameless flirting
35. Health benefits: You still workout because you actually care if you get fat.
36. Not sounding like an idiot in Facebook posts. “Have a good day, pumpkin” or the cryptic “how can you be so cruel when I love you more than I love more than life AHHH (random song quote).”
37. Has anyone else noticed that as the women’s movement has led women to get better careers it has also led more men to become major moochers?
38. No fighting. When is the last time you had a fight with a vibrator?
39. Spending time with your own family and not someone else’s.
40. Wherever you wake up is wherever you passed out.
41. You have the most entertaining stories. Great stories never begin with “My boyfriend and I were at Bed, Bath, and Beyond looking for linens when…” however they DO begin with “So I was wasted at 2 a.m. with this French guy and a stolen poodle…”
42. Not dealing with someone else’s gross habits, but completely indulging in your own.
43. Possible affairs with Latin American men and a random cruise to the beach you took with your single friends with that money you saved not buying anyone a gift on Valentine’s Day.
44. Promotion? Single people focus more on work and work harder.
45. Men: they’re always there, especially if you live in China.
46. The smugness of single life – because you know you are better than the needy bitches out there.
47. Not having your friends take bets on when you get a divorce.
48. Answer to no one.
49. Finding out what you are really like and the things you really want without any testicular influences.
50. How many happy married couples do you know anyway? Half of marriages…all I’m saying.
Monday, February 14, 2011
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