Pigtails Got Punched by a Nun

As one can infer from the title, this took place at a Halloween Party.
My old roommates, Pigtails and Tits Magee, used to throw a majestic Halloween Party every year at our apartment. While I lived there also, I never took part in preparing or inviting guests so I don’t want to steal their spotlight since they always threw one hell of a party.
This one epic year they had the party with the help of our utterly, insane yet fabulous neighbors who opened their doors to everyone. Our apt was in Knoxville and we lived next to these three chicks who were single and all loved to drink and hook up with randoms. Naturally, we all got along famously. The craziest of the three is someone I call Big Country because of her accent and her huge personality (which I mean both literally and by the size of her tits). The second time I ever hung out with her we went to Cool Beans bar and as I sipped my cranberry and vodka she came barreling over to me with four shots, took them, forced me to take one, and grabbed my hand and said exactly, “Let’s go find some dick.”

TCH: You can’t be serious?

Two hours later we had five gentlemen walk us home because we were drunk from all the booze we conned them out of getting us and they promised they would protect us from all the deranged rapists that undoubtedly lurked in the three blocks of college housing that we walked through to get home. When we arrived at our apartments she told all the guys she would show her boobs if they whipped out their penises. They all did so she did. She then took the one with the biggest into her apartment and made fun of the guy with the smallest penis. She later kicked out the guy she hooked up with and made him walk home in the cold – and she stole his jacket. This is Big Country. You don’t forget her.

At this particular Halloween party I decided to be original and put a bed sheet with three holes in it over my head and called myself a ghost. When the sheet got annoying I just dressed like a slut like everyone else. All my friends were typical- Pigtails was a slutty sailor, Joy was a slutty candy corn (wtf), Big Country was a slutty smurf. The sole exception was Tits Magee who dressed up like Jesse Spano from Saved by the Bell, complete with her Hot Sundae band workout wear and a bottle of caffeine pills. But Tits is still a slut in real life so it really made no difference.
Around 500 guests must have come to that party. We had several kegs. At one point this guy dressed up like a nun was giving one of the beer handlers (some dudes we knew) some trouble. He was being an ass about something – I never knew what. So Pigtails boyfriend told him to leave. This should have been over, but then Swayze in his infinite fucking wisdom, punched the Mother Theresa in the back of the head for being a douche. Swayze’s little brother, Little Swayze, got between them to stop a fight but the Nun was furious and said he was coming back and bringing some friends.
Well, true to Catholicism, the Nun kept his word. He came back with several guys, one of the guys, who was dressed like Conan the destroyer, was obviously sober and thought this was the lamest idea ever. This was apparent when he donated five bucks to us to get a cup.

But the Nun starts up the stairway with his friends headed for our apartment on the balcony and people start talking shit. People I didn’t even know and I lived there. Then the Nun and his friends start talking back and then there is some pushing and shoving. Little Swayze and Flagpole eventually got everyone calmed down and smoothed it over and they are about to leave. Then Pigtails, retardedly drunk, yells at the Nun, “HAHA! Yeah leave LOSER!” and pushes him in the back of the head while he is walking down the stairs.

Not looking at anything the Nun comes out swinging and clocks Pigtails right in the face, spilling her beer. Chaos ensued.
A brutal fight was then had between the Nun, one of his friends, and the majority of guys at the party, probably some girls too (I mean, our neighbors are from the mountains of East Tennessee and all of them probably have hand gun permits. It wouldn’t have surprised me to see them throwing some punches). I saw beer fly, weapons made from garbage cans, costume parts, and jack-o-lanterns. Someone knocked out a guy with a pumpkin.

About 11 minutes later the brawl on our balcony steps died down and Flagpole and Little Swayze tried to calm everyone down again even though Swayze was still in it trying to take cheap shots. As the losers of the battle walked away people at our apartment started yelling things and throwing beer at them. It was a true walk of shame. When they got to the bottom level they were flipping everyone off. Then in his moment of grandeur, the Nun bent over and mooned everyone watching. But just as he did Big Country (all-smurfed out) comes running by and kicks him on the ass. He then falls over and she runs away with a standing ovation from the crowd.

Many of us tried to get everyone to settle down. Some exchange students lived across from us and we didn’t want them to call the police. We just called them “the Asians” and they spoke very little English. Plus, they were already terrified of us (I can’t imagine why).

Later that night I was so drunk I couldn’t see straight. And we were all trying to go to bed or hookup in the bathroom (i.e. Swayze and some random skank) and my date for the evening said he couldn’t stay because he had to take his friend home. His friend was this brilliant little Asian kid from Med school and he had like three wine coolers and was so drunk he couldn’t move. I told him his friend could just sleep on our living room floor – he didn’t even know where he was. Plus, my date was hot and I was drunk. I have needs.

Of course, I didn’t tell my roommates my plans for the sleeping Asian so Tits Magee saw him and drug his unconscious body outside and laid him on the porch. A few hours later in the wee morning, Big Country came home from wherever she was catting around at and saw the little guy in front of our door. She then picked up all 80 pounds of him and banged on the Asians door and when they opened it, she threw the unconscious Asian inside and said, “I think you lost something.”

She would only find out days later, that the said Asian didn’t live there. I have no idea how that kid got home or even if he survived the night. Big Country just thought this was funny. Every time she saw the Asians after this, they ran from her.

About a month later, I was dating this new guy I met at "wing night." He and his friend and I were out talking the effects of alcohol or something intellectual.
His friend eventually said, “Man I went to this Halloween party and it was nuts. There were all these slutty girls there for one. And they were all drunk and falling down and then some asshole punches this Nun in the face and then the nun punches one of the sluts in the head. Then there was this huge brawl and the nun got totally jacked. There was blood all over the balcony. It was crazy. One of the wildest things I’d ever seen.” (Apparently he didn't recognize me."

My new boyfriend: See this is what I am talking about. Look what alcohol does to people. I bet those girls wouldn’t be so slutty and started a fight if everyone was just social drinking and not trying to get extremely drunk!

I had no comment. My new boyfriend and I didn’t work out. Go figure.