But, as many people know. I recently attended a lake party at my friend Flagpole’s. And almost instantly, things got ridiculous.
The first night of the weekend everyone became wildly intoxicated and decided to run down to the lake behind Flagpole’s house and go skinny dipping. This means that all the girls put on bathing suits and all the guys got naked. By the time I walked down there the water looked like Dick Soup.
Meanwhile, I was distracted because my friend ShitShow was throwing potatoes at me.
TCH: Stop that, Shitshow! You are Irish! Your ancestors risked their lives for those potatoes!!
She then proceeded to eat the said potatoes and dance all by herself. But then she began to drunk text and tried to drive to Nashville so I kept having to hide her phone. In spite of her dumb ideas that evening, she did have a good one: to start a facebook group called, “I hooked up with Swayze.” She and half the people there had slept with him, so I thought it was a grand idea. She hooked up with him during a football game I took her to. Grizz walked in on them, after which he said they immediately stopped screwing and laid face down on the bed. Like he was a T-Rex and if they didn’t move, he somehow wouldn’t see them. WTF?
Another one of Swayze’s ex-girlfriends, Dubbs, was at Flagpole’s lake party and decided to take her top off. The only time I had met Dubbs is when she was dating Swayze and cried at a party. I hate bitches who cry at parties and bars. Of course, I do it, but only if when they run out of whiskey…which has happened.
But as she was running around topless she stops to joke around with my naked guy friend, Grizz. Grizz proceeds to throw her top in the water, after which it was never seen again. And then he pulls a dick move and knocks her in the water. Literally, he thrusted his cock against her until she fell in the water. It was funny until I heard screaming – then it was hilarious. Because Dubbs suddenly screamed:
“I SLIT MY VAGINA!....and IT’S BLEEDIN!!"
Apparently, she fell on a rope connected to the dock and cut herself. Everyone in the water was a bit frazzled, but then there was seriousness. And Dubbs continued to yell about her slit genitalia and how it was bleeding.
“OMG!! It HURTS,” yelled Dubbs. “MY VAGINA! My LEG!!”
Finally, this hot chick with a cast on her leg dived in the water and carried Dubbs to safety while all the men stood around naked and watched. I don’t know who that girl was, but I’m going to guess she was a freshman in college due to the attractiveness of her body. College hadn’t damaged it yet. Cast-girl laid Dubbs on the ground and Grizz picked her up and ran, or tried to run, her back into the house.
The sight of Grizz, butt-naked, trying to run, with his meat sword flopping in the night sky, while he carried a naked, bleeding, wet girl up a hill in the moonlight is probably burned in my memory forever.
I followed them into the house with Joy because she was a nurse. I have a theory, that at every good party, a bitch must have her moment. Well, this was that moment. Dubbs was wailing and when Joy ever so sweetly tried to help she threw some pills at her. She refused to see Joy because she said she needed an ER nurse. This made no sense because Joy is an ER nurse.
Then Joy and I observed her wounds, which amounted to several bad scratches. When Joy politely made the recommendation that she didn’t need to go to the ER because it wasn’t that bad, Dubbs replied, “You aren’t a doctor! I could die.”
It was all very dramatic. And since my friends are assholes, she was ripe for reaping. People then offered her drugs and free sex to ease her pain. And of course, every man there asked to see her vagina. She then called her Dad to come and get her.
Upon seeing this fiasco, Flagpole drunkenly typed his first legal document which stated word-for-word the following:
I, Dubbs
Do Hear Bye agree that the actions of Flagpole or the Flagpole household did not causse harm or danger to any of my persons.
And then there was a line for her to sign. Several people then debated IN FRONT OF HER who will force her to sign it. Finally, her father came and miraculously she got up and marched to the door in spite of “breaking her legs and vagina.” Several people screamed, “It’s a miracle!!”
Then to make her party appearance even more grand before she stepped out the door, she turned back to everyone at the party and thrusted her waist out and yelled, “Suck it” to us all. Classiest exit I ever witnessed. Tits Magee even applauded.
Almost on que, Shitshow walked up to me after the door slammed and said, “Man, she is no longer allowed to be in our facebook group.”
Later that weekend, Tits Magee got a brilliant idea for some of us to get together and start a white, yuppie rap group. And our first single would be dedicated to that evening and called, “Slit Vag.”
The lyrics will go something like this:
“Swayze got to many dumb hos
They get they vaginas cut on the ropes
They just was into his jew fro
Grizz is a huge prick, with a huge dick,
He be knocking hoes in the water with it.
The be getting cut
Cos’ they got big buts
Need quit being a slut.
They be bleedin’ bleedin’
They be bleedin’ bleedin’”
Poetic, I know. But the funniest thing of all is that you could seriously turn on a rap radio station and find lyrics with same amount of thought put into them.
UPDATE: Dubbs and her private areas are fine. She merely received a tetanus shot, a dose of humility, and a loss of respect, but she is now in good health. Or so I have heard.
